Romantic relationships are a lot of times where BPD sufferers can struggle the most, and they can bring out some of our most challenging and difficult tendencies, so it is possible that this occurring could be a sign of BPD, but if you find that you have no issues with any of these tendencies at all in other aspects of your life, even if you suppress them, it could be something else, such as a more specific relationship based psychological struggle. Either way though I strongly recommend going to see a therapist and talking about it, it will help a ton! I have friends who’s parents work in psychology, and thought they had there kids “figured out” but i can’t tell you the difference it makes going and talking to someone who is completely separate and neutral from your day to day life. Even when parents are very close to their children, trying to understand and diagnose from that perspective is usually biased one way or the other.
Hope this helps!
I can completely relate to this feeling, I’ve been in a relationship this past year where when I was with him I was usually happy, but as soon as I wasn’t I would switch back and forth between feeling like I didn’t even like him or need him or that he was playing me, and didn’t care about me at all and was out having a good laugh about me or with another girl and that none of what we had experienced was real, it was all a mean trick just for him to get some ass. I would end up acting vengeful and flirt with other guys, literally out of revenge for things I had basically created and imagined in my head. I realized in the end he wasn’t right for me, but it wasn’t because of any of that, and to be honest most of the turmoil came from the relationship I was having with myself in dealing with the relationship I was having with him. Does that make sense? I think a lot of times the issues us BPD sufferers have in relationships have a lot more to do with ourselves then with our partners.
I think what we have to remember is that how our brains interpret things, and what we are feeling is valid, but it is not reality, it is a temporary emotion that passes and changes. When you are feeling like “fuck him, I don’t need him” try to dissect why, is this just a defense for fear of getting used again? Sometimes even the absence of someones presence can make a BPD sufferer start to question if they care about them or think that they shouldn’t need them. Try to force yourself to be present in your own mind and give valid examples and reasons for everything you feel. A lot of times we can allow our brains to run away with an emotion that isn’t backed up by any real truths, just little details our fear grabs onto and freaks out about.
This article is a little harsh in using terms to describe BPD sufferers such as “attention-starved” (although honestly that is probably true for me sometimes haha) so for people in the very early stages of self-examination it may be a little hard to take, but i think it really hits the nail on the head in terms of discussing flip-flopping love/hate feelings.
I hope you know you are completely not alone in your feelings!
This is a tough one. If you’re living with your parents and smoking weed, I can understand their concern. I am a pro-drugs person but didn’t start until I was in my 20s and believe that it is a decision one should make as an adult if you can.
Are you seeing a therapist currently? Does he/she know about your weed consumption? I know it can help a lot with anxiety, but it does have side effects (like all drugs and medication) and it may not be the best for keeping your mood stable. Other anti-anxiety drugs may be better for you right now, both to help with the issue with your parents, and to help keep your mood more stable. If you’re really not smoking any now, would taking a drug test help prove to your parents that it’s not something you’re doing anymore?
I’m confused why they won’t let you get help if you’ve been diagnosed already. Perhaps the person who diagnosed you can talk to them directly if you give him/her a call or email. Are you under 18? Do you have any other resources you can turn to, e.g. through school, a religious leader, a family doctor?
I hope maybe some of these thoughts help a bit. Best of luck to you!
It sounds like you’re going through so much and I’m so sorry you’re in this pain. Are you currently seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? It sounds like you really need to talk to a professional who can honestly help with these feelings. It’s time to reach out for help more and not try and do it all on your own.
Have you thought about writing a letter to your boyfriend and/or parents? Sometimes it can also be easier to put things in writing rather than verbally, at least for me. When you say a clinic, do you mean an inpatient facility? Sometimes that can be the best thing if you are actively feeling like harming yourself.
You’re not a poser and Borderline Personality Disorder is very real. I’m glad you made that promise, because it can help you to keep it, but it sounds like you need some additional help right now. Please talk to a mental health professional about this so you can get the care you need. We want you to stick around and you deserve to be happy.
It’s hard to know whether your therapist has negative feelings about BPD unless you ask. CBT can be problematic for those with BPD, just for the kinds of reasons you mention here. You might want to try bringing in something written down which would help with any nervousness you might have and give a clear list of symptoms for your therapist. I’ve found this page to be very helpful for preparing for an appointment like this, with things you can do and what you might expect.
What to do
Do you have any professional help? If you did, there is a lot of different therapy strategies that can help you. Maybe you could look into books you could read about bpd and ways to deal with your feelings.
It’s hard for other people to understand the inner turmoil that is experienced when having bpd. Maybe you could explain to them your feelings and how you can all work together as a team.
I hope it’s possible for you to get them to be more supportive.
Love and best wishes,